Here I am about 36 hours after the moment. It’s funny as my Mom and I would call each other every year at the exact time I was born on my birthday. It was like a little thing we had that she started when I was young so I always remember that particular time of day. I don’t know what I’m going to do this year on my birthday, but am hoping she’ll call me in one way or another. Even though the “official” time of her passing will be different on all the paperwork, I know it was 4:55 in the afternoon. That time of day will now be with me forever as it’s etched in my brain.
Thanks to everyone for all the condolences and calls. I’ve stopped returning emails and skipped a few calls as by yesterday afternoon, I’d had enough for a bit. I did return a few “must call” messages late in the day but by then I was pretty broken down so they were tough. Another thing is everyone needs to stop second guessing now. The “what ifs” and “could have, should haves”, mean nothing. Mom’s in a better place, and God and she decided when it was time for them to meet up, no one else, so just stop it, please.
This morning after taking the boys to school we’ll head to Denver to meet with some necessary people to see about scheduling the service and other details that unfortunately don’t wait. The World doesn’t stop, even though you’d like it to, even if only for an hour so you can catch your breath.
I feel abut the same as I’m sure everyone does. I’m ok for a bit and then out of nowhere, it hits me. Writing these posts seem to be a trigger as my head fills up with all kinds of thoughts about her life and the many times we shared together. It’s ok as I want to remember and I’m sure it’ll get better but man, it’s hard.
Some of us are numb, some angry, some bargaining, like I said above with the what ifs, and others depressed. These are all normal stages of grief and thankfully after the above, does come acceptance. Everyone needs to take their own path though to get there. If I can help in any way, and by no means do I have any answers, I’m here if you want to talk.
The boys are doing well considering the situation. We all looked over some pictures of Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa, and the boys have been really good at focusing on the good times and memories. I think being kids they aren’t thinking about anything like the adults are but rather thinking about the fun times with Grandma and Grandpa.
It’s funny as I’ve spent most of my time worrying about my family, my wife and kids, my brother and sisters, sister in law, nieces and family friends. I’ve always been one of those that can set things aside to do what I have to do and then will deal with my own feelings at a later point. All through life, both my Mom and I when faced with any kind of adversity, always said to each other, “you do what you have to do”, which is pretty much true. It was one of our catch phrases. We were both “glass half full” people rather than “glass half empty”, which I believe is the best way to approach life. Ha, another one of our phrases.
She was so strong as a person and much wiser than people probably gave her credit for. She used to tell me how smart I was and I’d tell her “well, I got it all from you”, which again was pretty much 100% true. I know she was tired and had probably been thinking about meeting up with Dad for some time. On Friday she asked Lori several times for Dad and at one moment said, “oh there he is”. Â She had also told me she just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m so glad I was there and that Robi and Tommy were too. Not sure where the blog is going to go over the next few days or weeks, months or years, but I’m sure it’ll always include some thought of our Mom.
As I said yesterday, I know she is looking down on me and each and every one of you right now. Every one of us needs to take comfort in that fact and remember in everything we do, that’s she’s watching! She was so worried we kids would argue with each other over something silly which we just cannot let happen. I spoke with Tasha and Shelly yesterday and while no one can replace Mom as the Matriarch of the family, Tom and I and Robin are going to do our best to see her wishes come true. So, as a family, it’s our responsibility to pull together and stay together, as that’s all Mom and Dad wanted. Plus if you don’t have family, what do you really have?
Be strong, have faith and love each other, more to come tomorrow, God Bless us all, especially Mom.
